Feb 08

A Different Kind of Loss

So…it’s been a while. For those of you who have been concerned about me, I appreciate it. Mostly, I’ve been doing okay. God and I have just been working out some issues. He’s good, but I don’t always understand what He’s doing. Anyway, He’s been laying on my heart, for a while, to post something, so I’ve finally made the time. I apologize, for those of you who follow.

In the time since I last posted, God has been working in my life in some very unexpected ways. He’s been teaching me some things, showing me some things about myself, and helping me make some changes that have been long needed. I haven’t really changed, but my outlook about some things has. I read a book, over the summer, by Phil Vischer, founder of Big Idea Productions (the original creator of VeggieTales). One of the things he really emphasized was that sometimes God takes things out of our hands so that we can remember that He is always enough. I needed that.

I’m not going to try to fill you in on everything that’s happened since my last post, because it’s just been too long. But there are a couple of things, in particular, that I’ve been wanting to share. I’m going to start there. In the future, we’ll see how the Lord leads. For today, this is what I’ve got.

One of the things that has been happening, in my absence, has to do with my son. It’s been, at times, very stressful, for my husband and I. During one of the times of conflict, last summer, the Lord used the situation to open my eyes to a babyloss mom issue that I didn’t know I had. You know…you go about your life, thinking “I’m SO glad that, of all the issues that I have, THAT isn’t one of them!” Then, of course, God gently starts nudging and you realize that, “Oh…yeah…I guess that IS something I struggle with…my bad…”

I’ve read so many blogs and online posts and articles and books and (you get the idea here) about babyloss moms who become obsessive about letting their other children out of their sight, afraid of what might happen to them. It’s so easy, when you’ve lost a child, to imagine losing another. It can happen so quickly. It can be so unpredictable. It’s easy to be afraid. Some of us struggle more than others, obviously. Just like any other personal issue, it affects everyone differently. There are some babyloss moms who never have a struggle with that fear. And, of course, there are a lot of moms who’ve never lost a child that have the same fear. We all want to protect our children and hold on to them for as long as we can. Learning to let go comes in different forms for all of us, as moms.

At any rate, all those times that I’ve been reading these women’s hearts, I’ve been moved with compassion for them, but grateful that I don’t share that particular struggle. Until God gently pointed out to me that I do. As I mentioned before, the same struggle doesn’t always wear the same mask. My fear surprised me, because it didn’t look like I expected it to. As it turns out, I’m afraid of losing my children in a different way. My fear isn’t about what will happen physically. I’m afraid of losing my children in a very different way.

There are times when I don’t know what to do with my son. I love him deeply. And that is where my fear begins. I value the relationship I have with my children. I appreciate that I have influence in their lives, if only by sheer virtue of the fact that I am their mother and spend a great deal of time with them. I greatly value the opportunities I have to invest in them, even if I don’t always take full advantage of them. And I understand that, as they get older, these opportunities will become less frequent, and my influence will lessen (as they become better able to make their own decisions). These are things that, as a parent, I look forward to seeing. I want my children to grow up to be individuals: competent, responsible morally and financially, and capable of making good decisions (with godly counsel, of course). I want them to be able to contribute to society, without needing me to hold their hand for the rest of their lives.

I value their hearts, however. I DO fear losing my children. I fear that I will make some horrible parenting decision and lose their hearts. I fear that I will anger my son and lose his respect. I fear that he will rebel and seek out friends – other influences – with the goal of provoking me (and my husband), resulting in stronger influences that point him in another direction. I am terrified that I will lose the opportunity to influence him – and his brother – for the Lord.

Looking at the subject from a strictly intellectual standpoint, I know the fear is just as unfounded and irrational. A single bad parenting decision, if handled with care, is not going to turn my son’s heart against me forever. Every child rebels, to some degree; it does not mean the end of the parent-child relationship. I know this. I know that making him angry is not going to ruin everything that we have spent years working to develop. I also know that I would not be the first parent to lose the heart of their child. If it happens, I know the Lord can bring them back. I know that prayer is much more powerful than fear. And I know, above all else, that God is Sovereign.

Fear isn’t rational, though. That’s what makes it a struggle. It’s one of the things that the Enemy uses to distract us. If we’re too busy obsessing over what MIGHT happen, we can’t focus on what NEEDS to happen, or on what IS happening. We get so upset over things that we have no control over that we miss the blessings that God is giving. We miss the small victories of today because we’re worried about failing tomorrow. God encourages us to plan ahead, but we need to balance it with gratitude and joy, based in faith and trust in Him. Planning for tomorrow shouldn’t come at the expense of walking with Him today.

I’m always surprised when God shows me something I didn’t know. I’m not sure why; I know I’m far from done learning. But it surprises me more when it’s something about myself. I’ve been learning a lot of those things, this year, and I’m trying to learn how to balance them. One step of that is learning how to let go of fear and grab onto faith. It’s not as easy as it sounds. Battles of the mind are often the hardest ones to win. But God already has the victory. I just have to learn how to claim what He’s already given me. And I’m learning.

I know my thoughts aren’t very well organized tonight. I apologize. I hope that this is an encouragement to someone, though. God’s been doing a lot to encourage me and I wanted to pass it along. He’s always good. In a fallen world, though, I know I need a reminder, sometimes.